Life is so beautiful...there is that bit of perfection in every little thing....the ugliest thing, the wierdest moment..a game of rugby...a situation where u feel like your hands are tied behind ur back and someone is hitting you on the face with rusty nails..i am guessing that they have to be attached to something sharp..they say that pple with teardrop moles are going to spend the rest of their lives crying..i wonder what that means for me...I used to be so self destructive..used to try to hurt myself at every given opportunity...knives, anything sharp...its just not normal is it..just when you think that you are used to something..when you think..ok. its fine, i have managed to fit it in my life..it comes back again and tears u to shreads...I thought that this was over...i thought that i had adjusted without falling off the rails..i was warned..i expected some kind of psychotic attack..and just when i thought that i had avoided it completely..it comes and hits me...if something bothers me..i always worry abt things that have nothing to do with it...like when i have to get an exam out of the way..i worry abt random things..like my books bursting..cos its a nice fallback to worry abt bursting books cos inside u know that they are not really the real problem..so i guess that i what i have been doing..but now..after 5 weeks..the mask drops..and then u confront the problem head on...and it hurts..you divert yourself with other things..work, other pples problems, bad weather....u try to create problems for yourself to worry abt...but in the end..it doesnt work...all that is left is one problem staring at you in the face..and there is nothing you can do abt it...except to hope and wait for 11 mths..and the one month's respite runs at record pace..so all you have is more waiting...dont you just wish sometimes that someone would take the weight off your shoulders and give you one moments peace...then you think abt the last time that happened..and you want so much to go back to that...and then u depress abt that...and the last thing you want is someone else to see you looking like this..cos they are going to misinterpret it..or even worse attribute it to some other cause..so u end up looking stupid..or the worst,is when they find out whats really really bothering you..and then you appear whiny....I have always been in control of things..so watching myself die like this is painful..but strangely funny...i think that i am slowly resurrecting..but it will take time until i get used to the new order of things...either that..or this is going to attack me every other week...until december...but by then i would have gotten so used to being crazy that it wouldnt change anything....I dont want to feel this way..but i dont seem to be able to help it..you would to...if someone took something away from you that has come to mean more to you than anything..that you can trust...that you feel may belong to you for quite a while..that is practically perfect...that you can talk to..that has seen you at your worst and is willing to put up with that...that has never let you down and has never reminded you of the many times that you have let it down..that makes you beautiful when you are with it...that makes you feel safe when you think abt it...that makes you laugh out loud...that knows exactly what to say to make you feel better..that makes you want to give up everything to find it again...that is twice as tall as you...what more could you want....
So anyway,my therapy for the day is over..roussell i love you...and did i mention..that can roll over:-)

black tie picture 

in the morning

What absolute rubbish...in the night..everything seems so sad and hopeless..but in the morning..something happens..it's all good again...I need to get some control back into my life..i used to be so much in control.but now it looks like my life is happening around me..anyway, it's all good...i have faith all of a sudden..and thats how it is going to be..ripping a constant out of my life is not something i have the courage or the least bit of desire to do....

You hope and hope that things will turn out perfectly...perfect suburbia..but then the knowlege hits you...this is life..not suburbia...decisions have consequences...and everything you do is for a reason...and you think abt it..and your heart breaks....but that doesnt really even matter does it...the cold hard truth stares at you...eyes unblinking..no sympathy for what you might be going through..it doesnt care...i'm not starving..or bobbing up and down in the sea swept away by waves...all i have to deal with is the degradation of a constant in my life.....i cant go on with this anymore...its not fair....i know i am going to change my mind tomorrow..and not have the courage to bring this up..the last thing i want is for it to end..even though i dont see how in heavens name it can go on...we are not made unfeeling..or to live in the past...we will move on..even though the last thing in the world that i want is to do that...then i look back..and the mask slips and all i want to do is cry till my eyes are washed out..or alternatively hide under my bed....the utter lack of hope that surrounds me doesnt really help either...people tell me to move on and that i am doing something silly...i dont need discouraging comments..i am not silly to not know...its like a cancer patient who knows that he is going to die..but really hopes that someone tells him otherwise such that he doesnt have to spend the rest of his time waiting to die....How do u let someone go when u are abt 99% sure that u arent going to find better....perfection is being offered to you on a plate and you refuse..can anyone blame me...
I thought that i was incapable of a lot of things...but that i dont believe anymore...freud would find this fascinating....i'm guessing that all that is left for me to do is to pick up the pieces....but a vase that has been glued together is never really the same is it

this is the most recent picture i have..ignore the left hand side:-) 

Sometimes u look at your life..and usually its one of those depressing world views...my life is so miserable...thats the usual train of thought...but it just occurs to me how much i have to be grateful for....
This isnt enforced...i am saying these things because i mean them....
I have friends that i can trust...in two continents:-)....i am never lonely unless i chose to be..then it isnt called lonliness..its called space...
I have work which although i cant say that i adore...i can say for a fact that it occupies me...I am in the school of my dreams...possibly even country...but you have to take into account my fancying robert pires...
I have parents who support me...regardless of whatever I want to do....a sister who actually can listen to me without trying to hurt me..which is what i deserve plenty of the time....
Someone who cares about me...and puts with with so so much.....i do see it..and i am grateful...so much to be happy about...
but this doesnt mean that i am going to get any more positive:-)

I dont think i have felt this bad in a long long time....and the best part is that its all my own fault..i have this theory that people can never ever be happy...and now more uphill tasks added to my already fun life....
I guess i am going to put it down to a lack of sleep...i didnt sleep much last night..and as the dinner tiks have run out..i am not going to get fed either...so i guess its all good...i get to sit around and clear away years of backlog work......which is not looking too promising....
Have you ever watched yourself throw something away with both hands...and wonder why you do it as you do it...that resembles my work life as much as anything else...
What i need desperately is someone to infect me with some cheerful optimism..to tell me that everything is going to be alright..that i am not going to flunk out of med school, get arrested for drugs, grow a beard..or get married in exchange for goats...or end up as a crusty old oxford don...
This week is hellishly busy...three tutes and one black tie..invited to the biology black tie...so i have to go for that...that is going to be fun...drink a little too much..and for a short while..everything will be ok:-)
I had better stop whining...its infectious..there are so many other fun things to do..like do my tute work..and make myself a nice cup of tea and curl up with a book and fall asleep...and dream....
Think other thoughts apart from frying men...had a late night watching the green mile...introspect is always motivated......