fuck it...tamil music makes me cry

வானத்திற்கும் எல்லை உன்டு

(dont correct my spelling..i am trying)

Ok..the next post will be a rant
and is not referring to my relationship or you..so breathe easy P

Have you ever always been compared to someone?not necessarily by everyone..but maybe even....you do it..
you think abt the other person, look at them, look at you....and never find anything good in you...that person is someone who you cant compete with
yah...she/he is always better, better looking, more well liked, more interesting...more successful...whatever..

and you can never compete....
yah...ok..i cant..
i quit..
you win..you dont even know me...my name means nothing to you...or maybe a smile..thats the max...and i admit defeat:-)
you win....i could never compete
i dont know why i thought i could
or that we could live side by side
we couldnt
i was never good enough

One more day,
I had the most amazing day today...lots and lots to talk abt

First it starts out like this,
I get a text from mo telling me to meet them at Kembangan(how ever you spell it) at 1130
and I intelligently dont ask why we are going there, ( ie the middle of no where) :-)
no offense neela, I love ur area:-)
instead of our usual places
but I am far from alert, as I have not slept too well at night, nor too much either
So insomnia is my only excuse for not asking where we were going
so, i got up( late cos i couldnt get up in time) and had to get money from daddy and then went to the east...not been there in a while...was a bit wierd and nostalgic..
but anyway, was ridiculously late( sorry guys....wont be anymore)

and they tell me that we are going to a birthday of a person who i know
and they dont tell me where this is going to be or who the person is
they make me guess and freak the life out of me
cos i fear that i have forgotten theirs..which would be horrible
neelas is oct 2 and mos is 11 :-)with gandhi and some other famous guy in the beginning
yah...so i spend a lot of time and dont get it...but anyway, we end up in changi...near the beach and indonesia
and we go to this hotel with colourful balconies
and walk to a restaurant called 'cantina in venice:-)'
where i find out that it is my birthday...
the girls told me that 20 was a mark that had to be celebrated even if i hadnt been here on the exact date
so they fed me and clothed me( bought me a birthday pres)
ISNT THAT THE SWEETEST THING:-)
A bit interesting that all the big romantic gestures of my life have come from the girls
the birthday where i was taken to the 'chocolate buffet' in the fullerton
when i was dragged to meet hamid by surprise...when neither he nor i had any idea what had hit us
and now...a surprise party for myself
who needs anyone else when you have the girls:-)
before this descends into an oprah moment
we went to the beach after food...and picked up shells and got our feet wet...so cool it was an amazing beach..small but the water was really really clean..
i recommend this beach to everyone...
and mo took tons of pics...which were all erased:-)
so none..
we were going to imitate xiaxue by putting up food pictures but we lost them all:-)
so that was my morning....
I love you guys:-)

and at night we went to the AR Rahman show
which means that smriti and I were dancing, singing...and making a lot of nice
the music was so amazing....and some of these singers have voices that make you want to cry
i found myself tearing at many pts....there is a line in this tamil song...kannalanae..that always makes me cry...just one line...and they sang the song...so i had to keep myself from making a fool of myself

Every song I associate with something special...
lets see...songs from minsaara kanavu...and a family outing..cos it was one of the rare films we watched as a family...
and lots of these songs mark periods of my life..
so it was like a recap of the life and times of nisha sriram
guys...they played "chale chalo"..I wanted to text you guys....:-)

And the singing was amazing..these people are trained in hindustani as well as carnatic vocal...and the gamaka and brigas that they can do..i can only dream of
Hariharan....I am in love with him..he was doing some free rangam singing and swaraam.....and it was amazing...
and when he linked a film song to a gazhal.....
wanted to fly:-)
Everyone was dancing..and there was this northy guy...kishen kher or something who is so impressive...
chitra, udit narayan and saadhana...no need to talk abt them...they were wonderful...
chitra and hariharan...singing uyirae...that was another moment where i started tearing...

Tamil...you feel different when you hear the language that you have grown up with and speak
oddly enough, while i am very comfortable in english
when i need to speak to dogs, babies...i switch to tamil..in fact..my dog doesnt understand much english..we babytalk him in tamil....there are some words in tamil that are so beautiful
Going to read....
and marry hariharan:-)
maybe i am related to him..whats the pt of being brahmin if you arent related to cool pple..my aunt might have married him..but they werent sure abt marrying the daughter to a singer..so she didnt:-)

You Are a Liberal for Life

You've got a bleeding heart - and you're proud of it. For you, liberal means being compassionate, pro-government, and anti-business. You believe in equality for every person, and you consider yourself universally empathetic. Helping others is not just political for you ... it's very personal too.

What political persuasion are you?

Your Ideal Relationship is Polyamory

You want to have your cake... and everyone else's. Which isn't a bad thing, if everyone else gets to eat too! You're too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a traditional relationship. You think relationships should be open and free, with few restrictions.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

fuck you
and everything that comes and goes with you
and in fact
fuck everything else in general as well
happy:-)

Freud died today in time in history
and I prostrate myself at the grave of Andy Warhol
Cos I printed out a few of his pics for fun to show the kids...everyone loves blue marilyn..and thats all i had to go with...since the pictures i was supposed to show miraculously vanished into thin air
so i was left with a bunch of hyper 11 year olds..and no instructions
so i had to wing it..and i did...for 45 mins...took out my potatoes and soup cans( for novelty...you can make art with soup cans and potatoes)
and the beloved blue marilyn and campbell coup pics
I tried to show them some of the proper pics which i had in mini size, but the kids couldnt really see them, and the effect wasnt there

but anyway, when they got to see marilyn, they described her as 'sexy' and when I showed them this painting abt muddy lotuses( looks like black ink splotches on white paper), one little angel described it as sperm on paper
what do they teach kids these days
in those days i still believed in the stork( they did call me slow..ok they never did..i was an innocent)

There is an article in the straits times, abt finning sharks...
analoguous situation, a near and dear one of yours, if picked up and his legs are cut off and he is thrown onto a busy highway
that is sharks fin for you
traditionalists out there, abandon this cruel delicacy
unless you wish members of your family to be treated this way
the same thing applies to fur, but instead let the body be skinned
god i'm lovely
but i do feel rather strongly abt this...will give up leather one day

Spot the nisha 

This is where nisha shall spend a significant part of her working life...hopefully in her pradas 

Please pat this man on the head if you ever see him on the streets 

The grandfather in the Kryptonite video looks like mine

To quote the shopoholic
" I have so many photographs of people and places that I dont like, I might as well take some pictures of things which I do love- shoes"

I dont get to do any shopping in England, its terribly expensive, and the stuff there came from here, or India...
So I go a little crazy here....
Well, today was mindblowingly insane
I bought new boots, we have already met them
and a few pairs of new trousers and a few jumpers to add to even more stuff
Lets just say that I have decided to up the dressing...going to look nice whenever and where ever...
cos unlike most places, people in england dress up to go to school..
Not talking abt makeup..thats pushing it anywhere..
more like..nice things basically

I found this amazing scarf at FCUK
I saw it...and decided to learn how to knit
Is it wrong to shop? I always feel terribly guilty afterwards
like..I am throwing away daddys hard earned money on shoes....
with that...i discovered that singapore has so many nice shoe shops....
my absolute favourites...have to be nine west,aldo and zara...and most of the shops in far east...shoes are so beautiful
and warehouse...overpriced as hell..but still beautiful....
and anything in far east....oh yah..the indian subcontinent..
lets think of this..as my way of supporting the local economy
damn it...i feel so guilty right now:-)
not going to shop for the rest of time
but as einstein says..time is not a fixed quantity but is highly relative
:-)

Nice black shoes....ah...arent they pretty....I really have been shopping havent I? 

Everyone needs cheapo white shoes...and my direction would have to be far east... 

More shoes...my Dorothy shoes...but in blue:-)....cost me all of nothing!..in Linking Rd bombay....a bit flash..so shall save them for England 

These my dear are my new boots...saw them here in singapore...and fell in love:-)....arent they adorable...with the additional benefit of warm feet...going to name them something random...:-) beloved shoes must be named 

This is what i look like now..like a alcoholic chicken:-) 

Considering that retail therapy was highly recommended by many...
This post...shall be a chronicle of all the retail therapy that i have indulged in
in keeping up with the high intellectual standards that i have set...
the next many posts will be photographic evidence of my espousal of material values
:-)

Therapy session 1

I cant sleep anymore
Sleep does not come easily

Quote of the day: Je ne veux pas te perdre, mais je ne peux pas continuer

Oddly for once, I really have so little to say right now
normally, I can go on and on abt something or the other...the environment, womens rights, drug companies, heart break, einstein, television, AIDS, economics, art, people....
on and on and on..
but now i feel sapped....something like...
everything that needs to be said, has been said
well thats never stopped me in the past...so on with it sunshine

anyway, slight side note
how do you tell someone you care abt..that what they are doing is wrong
i'm no puritan..as some of you, who know me better, might know
but some things are wrong


yah..so i am going to be kind
actually, not being able to be honest, is breaking my heart

What is art? is todays qn...
had a fascinating art class...and am reading this book..which i dont really understand...
but i think i do....
and its beautiful...
Einstein makes things so simple
and beautiful..
and art class today was good.....looking at works
and Matisse pops up...
i am going up in the world:-)

You never really know do you
whether the choices you have made are the right choices
you make them
and live with them
do you regret them?
does it matter

fuck it
since i am now back at square one
the least i can do is reclaim my identity
so I am now known as nish:-)
as usual

these are a few of my favourite things

I realise that I have a lot of anger/hostility in me right now...so according to my therapist( do we all remember her?), the best way to get rid of it..is to quantify it..is to make a list.
So, here it goes. A list of things that I hate more that anything else( thats a bit sweeping...but yah...in no particular order)

1) People who end every word with a 't'( eg. this-t, has-t)
2) Tall women who wear short skirts
3) Photographs of food
4) People who pronounce Hermes as Hermeez
5) Cars that cut into my lane
6) Driving instructors who tell me that I am rubbish( modesty, thou art a jewel)
7) Happy people
8) People who derive pleasure from running
9) People who are intimidated by me
10) People who think that I am a rich bitch snob
11) People who ask me why I didnt get into nus med( I didnt yah...sorry)
12) Ronald McDonald
13) Charlton Heston( gun control is the way)
14) George Bush( who doesnt?)
15) The powerpuff girls
16) Women who convince those arnd them, that they are unable to put two words together( sample sentence: ( pause for eyes to widen)....thats like ...such like an amazing idea....)
17) Insurance agents/Telemarketers
18) General( ?) Dyre
19) Jack Welch, Harry Stonecipher( men who cheat on their wives dont come high)
20) Skinny people whose idea of obesity is 165 cm: 40kg
21) the phrase ' I love you '
22) Decisions
23) People who come up to me and ask me to help them with their illnesses
24) Hypochondria( haha...the pot calls the kettle black)
25) People who arent accepting( I know i dont sound particularly accepting here..but its therapy)
30) People who poke holes in the public condom supply
31)Womad
32) Companies who ruin the environment or run sweat shops....
33) companies which inflate the price of drugs and make them unavailable to the third world
34) Being alone
35) Being sad
36) Falling in love
37) Antihistamines
38) Being short
39) Men who cant hold their alcohol
40) Stalkers

Ok thats all for now

So much I want to ask
So many questions
To which I wish I had the answers
but I am too scared to ask
some of them arent any of my business to ask
and some of them...well..you have no obligation to answer

the way I am going now
makes the idea of recovery as ludicrous as that of a growth spurt
I feel like the crab walking to the ocean
and being pulled back to shore by the tide every single time
I've been here before in a way
same position, different location
I promised to never come back
but here I am
and there's no way out
I was right I guess
When I told you that some people were never meant to be happy
Melodramatic yah...but its always been default state miserable
with the once in a while, smiling interlude
which never lasts long


I think its time to stop blaming
every thing that i can get my hands on
and realise that the fucked one is me

Drama, drama, drama
Delusion is a state of being

Je me sens....si attrape
Tu peux faire deux choses...
Tu peux etre concerne ou pas
La moitie...c'est pas juste
ca me tue

I am a self indulgent fuck
with a very good idea of what is good for me
but a predisposition to walk down the same fucking road again