I dont trust people
i mean....generally, superficially yes
but i am always scared that the ones i trust the most
are going to hurt me
ha...whats new

damn it
i miss my fun life
im bored to tears by work when everyone else is being a uni student
getting hammered, oversleeping and you know, the rest of it
maybe if i was wound less tight i would have more fun
i think the boozy person that i turn into is my best
cheerful , confident and dominant
and a complete danger to people arnd me
greatest fear...that i am not going to remember what i did the night before
and everyone will line up to remind me
cos in keble, nothing stays quiet
there is no privacy
i guess even the most boring person in the world must be convinced of a wild, adventurous side
and i guess as much of a staid homebody as i am
i get bored of things quickly
routine i like for a while, then it bores me
change and edgy things scare but attract
whats new abt any of this drivel
at least i avoid pseudo intellectualism, trying to make the world a better place
fuck it
cant be bothered
strangely feeling like in one of those....in need of revenge moods...
what for..no one knows
i would like to believe that one of my few talents, is to make peoples lives miserable if i really chose to do that....
Im not a particularly nice person, i do try to be though
If I bounced up and down, trying to be nice to everyone, i would significantly shorten my lifespan

I dont trust people
i mean....generally, superficially yes
but i am always scared that the ones i trust the most
are going to hurt me
ha...whats new

damn it
i miss my fun life
im bored to tears by work when everyone else is being a uni student
getting hammered, oversleeping and you know, the rest of it
maybe if i was wound less tight i would have more fun
i think the boozy person that i turn into is my best
cheerful , confident and dominant
and a complete danger to people arnd me
greatest fear...that i am not going to remember what i did the night before
and everyone will line up to remind me
cos in keble, nothing stays quiet
there is no privacy
i guess even the most boring person in the world must be convinced of a wild, adventurous side
and i guess as much of a staid homebody as i am
i get bored of things quickly
routine i like for a while, then it bores me
change and edgy things scare but attract
whats new abt any of this drivel
at least i avoid pseudo intellectualism, trying to make the world a better place
fuck it
cant be bothered
strangely feeling like in one of those....in need of revenge moods...
what for..no one knows
i would like to believe that one of my few talents, is to make peoples lives miserable if i really chose to do that....
Im not a particularly nice person, i do try to be though
If I bounced up and down, trying to be nice to everyone, i would significantly shorten my lifespan

Went down to the river to support friends rowing in torpids today
final day of regatta is always the best
cos thats when everyone comes and its noisy and big
i really want to do something boatie next term
will be some motivation to get thru the term
that will be heaven
to be part of it again
8s will be so great assuming i can take part in it:-)

Some one who i once cared about,
wrote me this long rant about something or the other
which made it clear that we were never friends
i was probably found amusing, a good person to waste time on
cos when theres no one else there...why dont we give her a call
sad when you think abt it really
someone you cared abt, in truth never truely did give a fuck about you
its sad.....
when you have a fight for doing something, you could be sorry, make up, and get on with it
but sometimes, you can be sorry for all the error on your part
but still not want anything more to do with that person
thats how i feel i guess
im sorry for anything that was my fault, but thats it
yah, i apologize for anything i might have done to hurt or upset
i have felt like that for a while.....
some part of me wants a big , happy, i m sorry kind of make up session
but that part of me is tiny and doesnt count for anything
wanting everyone to like me isnt necessarily one of those driving emotions

the only thing is
I wish i had known earlier that you never cared
or saw me as a person with feelings
but instead as some kind of object
at least i could have played the part better
maybe i would have been better at it
instead of trying to be a friend

I guess it was fate
I deserved that.....
for all the mistakes that i made
i m loving the drama of that
trying to make my life out to be some kind of east enderish drama
but the problem is

all my life, ive never tried to hurt people
being non-confrontational is one of my hallmark values
even if someone were to hurt me to the quick, i would never open my mouth about it
i dont fight my battles, and i take everything from people
i do my absolute best to try not to get in anyones way or to hurt anyone
so if i do, then i dont forget it and i stay sorry....for years and years sometimes
and if someone hurts me, i worry abt whether it was because i was doing something wrong..

i know....you could say introspective
or self obsessed....no prizes for guessing what smrits would say:-)
its just that i was looking in my inbox....and found some old msgs
which i looked through
i should have deleted them long ago
but i didnt i saved them instead
such that i could open them at regular intervals
and poison myself

One more day to it being over
why am i turning into such a basket case?
basket basket basket basket basket basket basket
case

One more day of out of your mind stress
i hate the word stress
cos it sounds frivolous
but that can only explain it all
just feeling so alone now

The truth of the matter is
whatever they have you believe
ur alone

crying makes my eyes puffy and red
and my throat ache for some reason

look on the bright side
at least im not dying of malaria