Some one who i once cared about,
wrote me this long rant about something or the other
which made it clear that we were never friends
i was probably found amusing, a good person to waste time on
cos when theres no one else there...why dont we give her a call
sad when you think abt it really
someone you cared abt, in truth never truely did give a fuck about you
its sad.....
when you have a fight for doing something, you could be sorry, make up, and get on with it
but sometimes, you can be sorry for all the error on your part
but still not want anything more to do with that person
thats how i feel i guess
im sorry for anything that was my fault, but thats it
yah, i apologize for anything i might have done to hurt or upset
i have felt like that for a while.....
some part of me wants a big , happy, i m sorry kind of make up session
but that part of me is tiny and doesnt count for anything
wanting everyone to like me isnt necessarily one of those driving emotions

the only thing is
I wish i had known earlier that you never cared
or saw me as a person with feelings
but instead as some kind of object
at least i could have played the part better
maybe i would have been better at it
instead of trying to be a friend

I guess it was fate
I deserved that.....
for all the mistakes that i made
i m loving the drama of that
trying to make my life out to be some kind of east enderish drama
but the problem is

all my life, ive never tried to hurt people
being non-confrontational is one of my hallmark values
even if someone were to hurt me to the quick, i would never open my mouth about it
i dont fight my battles, and i take everything from people
i do my absolute best to try not to get in anyones way or to hurt anyone
so if i do, then i dont forget it and i stay sorry....for years and years sometimes
and if someone hurts me, i worry abt whether it was because i was doing something wrong..

i know....you could say introspective
or self obsessed....no prizes for guessing what smrits would say:-)
its just that i was looking in my inbox....and found some old msgs
which i looked through
i should have deleted them long ago
but i didnt i saved them instead
such that i could open them at regular intervals
and poison myself