Life is so beautiful...there is that bit of perfection in every little thing....the ugliest thing, the wierdest moment..a game of rugby...a situation where u feel like your hands are tied behind ur back and someone is hitting you on the face with rusty nails..i am guessing that they have to be attached to something sharp..they say that pple with teardrop moles are going to spend the rest of their lives crying..i wonder what that means for me...I used to be so self destructive..used to try to hurt myself at every given opportunity...knives, anything sharp...its just not normal is it..just when you think that you are used to something..when you think..ok. its fine, i have managed to fit it in my life..it comes back again and tears u to shreads...I thought that this was over...i thought that i had adjusted without falling off the rails..i was warned..i expected some kind of psychotic attack..and just when i thought that i had avoided it completely..it comes and hits me...if something bothers me..i always worry abt things that have nothing to do with it...like when i have to get an exam out of the way..i worry abt random things..like my books bursting..cos its a nice fallback to worry abt bursting books cos inside u know that they are not really the real problem..so i guess that i what i have been doing..but now..after 5 weeks..the mask drops..and then u confront the problem head on...and it hurts..you divert yourself with other things..work, other pples problems, bad weather....u try to create problems for yourself to worry abt...but in the end..it doesnt work...all that is left is one problem staring at you in the face..and there is nothing you can do abt it...except to hope and wait for 11 mths..and the one month's respite runs at record pace..so all you have is more waiting...dont you just wish sometimes that someone would take the weight off your shoulders and give you one moments peace...then you think abt the last time that happened..and you want so much to go back to that...and then u depress abt that...and the last thing you want is someone else to see you looking like this..cos they are going to misinterpret it..or even worse attribute it to some other cause..so u end up looking stupid..or the worst,is when they find out whats really really bothering you..and then you appear whiny....I have always been in control of things..so watching myself die like this is painful..but strangely funny...i think that i am slowly resurrecting..but it will take time until i get used to the new order of things...either that..or this is going to attack me every other week...until december...but by then i would have gotten so used to being crazy that it wouldnt change anything....I dont want to feel this way..but i dont seem to be able to help it..you would to...if someone took something away from you that has come to mean more to you than anything..that you can trust...that you feel may belong to you for quite a while..that is practically perfect...that you can talk to..that has seen you at your worst and is willing to put up with that...that has never let you down and has never reminded you of the many times that you have let it down..that makes you beautiful when you are with it...that makes you feel safe when you think abt it...that makes you laugh out loud...that knows exactly what to say to make you feel better..that makes you want to give up everything to find it again...that is twice as tall as you...what more could you want....
So anyway,my therapy for the day is over..roussell i love you...and did i mention..that can roll over:-)