I need to stop sounding so sad....
Its beginning to seem so easy to sound endlessly sad:-)
Its 9pm now..and the sky is blue...the sun has just set...i think..it looks like a sunset..
I just didnt feel like going anywhere today..or even getting out of my room....
Just one of those days
Spoke to smriti..finally...its been close to 3 weeks since I have last spoken to her...
Heard all the family gossip from mom...
What is it with my family and arranged marriages...I mean...do you really see yourself finding the man/woman that you are going to spend the rest of your life with in a newspaper...
So you marry someone ( going to sound female here...cos its easier to refer to one side:-)
and have his kids...cook, clean, take care of him...
and then gradually get to know him...
Its like picking someone off the streets....
I dont know..I dont think that i could do it...
I have thought abt this....do we really need to be married for our lives to have meaning...
These days you dont really need a husband or a wife to have a baby...there are so many children out there to adopt....
So...basically, if you fear lonliness..you can adopt...
anyway, basically...its fear for me...what happens if they start looking at me that way...
I am only 20..so i am free for the moment....but what happens eventually....
My parents will leave me alone...but the rest of them...i dont know..
will someone send me sheets of paper...that go like this..

Aiyar boy working in California seeks girl, homely and btw 5'2 and 5'3
Willing to relocate to California, fair complexion, willing to sit at home and raise children, must love domestic duties.....
Women with issue do not apply

Yep..thats my life....what ever i achieve will be looked at...but the no of offspring i produce will be an impt consideration....
with that said..i am not averse to domestication:-)
I can actually see myself having lots of children....and being domestic...
but that doesnt mean that i seek these things so badly..that i will find some random to be with...
why wont they understand that.....
i mean...i can actually see myself adopting if i never find someone to marry...
but that would be scandal beyond belief.....or maybe having my own children...
I see it somewhat as my right....not something that someone can give me or take away....

Or what happens if I find someone who the family wont approve off....how would that go...
my parents are wonderful pple..and i know deep down that they would want me to be happy...
and my family as well...but maybe in a different way.....
This is just fear of the future....my cousins will go first..and then i will be next..
the hints have already been dropped enough....
and i know that if i find someone who isnt like me...brahmin....lets see....professional( i mean eventually hopefully)...or with a family thats a little odd...or the worst of all...who doesnt share my religion...i might never hear the end of it.....

Which is sad..because if i marry someone that my family would want....
my children would be: short and engineers....

This is basically a reaction to the jaathagams that my cousins have been sent....
if i had to marry either of those men....i dont know what i would do....
it would be the end of the world as i know it...
so thats where this is coming from:-)